Advice to JAPs|
back to text humor |
1. frozen yogurt is not one of the basic food groups. it might be low fat, but
it still has like 10 calories per oz., which means the 32 oz. medium you are diving
into has around 320 calories. while we're on the topic, going straight to tasti-d-lite
to eat that medium on your way home from the gym is probably why your ass is big.
2. it's not normal to live in new york city, have your own apartment, eat
out every nite and have multiple $300 handbags when you earn under $20k per
year. that salary would technically qualify you as living below the poverty
line. i've got an idea: stop taking your dad's $$, move to hoboken or queens,
share a small apartment, stop going to saks every day after work, and start
saving some money and taking responsiblity for your life.
3. is it possible to walk down the street and not talk on your cell phone?
you're yapping away, completely oblivious to what's going on around you, waving
your arms and gesturing wildly, talking loud enough so that anyone within a
10 foot radius can hear every word of your conversation about how you saw ed
norton at some club last nite. nobody cares. put your phone away and pay attention
to where you're going. i'm not going to grab you next time you're about to step
in front of a bus.
4. if a guy takes you to dinner, whether or not you like him, the least you
can do is say "thank you." also, at dinner please be prepared to talk
about something other than the story about justin timberlake you just read in
US Weekly, or the episode of Paradise Hotel you watched last nite. Try reading
the NYTimes (other than Sunday Styles)--you might just learn something.
5. wearing your "good jeans" is not getting dressed up.
6. no one is buying the fake tan.
7. sex and the city is over. cari is too old, miranda was never good looking,
and we've all seen samantha's boobs one too many times.
8. try smiling on occasion.
9. the reason you're still single is because you are too picky and have outrageous
expectations. all the men who are rich, over 6 foot tall, very good looking,
who are pro athletes and also doctors have been taken. i've got bad news for
you: women outnumber men in this city. that guy who you blew off last nite because
you thought he was a not wearing the right jeans, he is probably wildly successful
and will treat you like a princess.
this is just my advice and you can take it or leave it, but those of you out
there in murray hill, who know who you are and it might be worth paying attention.