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previous | back to text humor | next Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to stomp on a wine glass? A: Because it's the last time he'll put his foot down. --------------- Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?" ------------------- Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice. "Rabbi, tell me is is proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?" "No Morris, a man should not profit from another's man mistakes" answered the rabbi. "Are you sure Rabbi?" "Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi "Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my wife.?" --------------------- A German man comes to London and stays with Maurice Cohen and his family. The first morning they all have breakfast together and have bagels. The German man exclaims "Wow we don't have bagels like this in Germany." To which Maurice stands up and yells "And whose fault is that?" -------------------- Sam is shouting at his wife, Becky. "Oh no, not another new dress and accessories. Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay for it all?" Becky replies, "I may be a lot of different things to many people, but I'm certainly not inquisitive!" --------------------- It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked Moishe, seated in front. "What are my choices?" Moishe asked. "Yes or no," she replied. ------------------------------ Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later he woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to 'beautiful'?" Sarah asked. "The drugs are wearing off," he replied. ------------------------ Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament. "To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp." --------------------------------- Bernie had a fight with Rachel, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize. "Hello, darling," he said, "what are you making for dinner?" "What am I making for dinner? After all the horrible things you said to me earlier, you want to know what I am making for dinner?? Poison, that's what I'm making, poison." Bernie replies, "Okay then, just make one portion, I'm not coming home."
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