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Found on the net. Author unknown.
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people bring
bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM
would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have
to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the
toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a
reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity
to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in
your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that
let's you control how light or dark you want your
toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other
appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would
hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy
them since most of the good bread only works with
If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but
5 years earlier (and of course, it would do it
better). When you cut your toast, it bleeds in 6
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless
black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of
toast on top of it. Their service department would
have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for
the box would be highly classified government
documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters...
Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only
the NSA could access in case they needed to get at
your toast for reasons of national security.
If NASA made toasters...
The toast would burst into flames shortly after
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '70s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which
takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If Sony made toasters...
Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger than
the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be
conveniently attached to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
Every month, you would receive another lovely
hand-crafted piece of your authentic Civil War pewter
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than
any other single-slice toaster in the world, at least
for a couple of years.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of
bread at the same time.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist
toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive
slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster
would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know
anything about it. You would be able to buy all the
parts to build your own toaster.
If K-Tel sold toasters...
They would not be available in stores, and you would
get a free set of Ginsu knives.
If ParcPlace made toasters...
Their OO building block system would be called EGGO.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all
brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home
you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in
development, the Croissant Extension was three years
away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really
good cuppa Java.
If Tandem made toasters...
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece
got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that
you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a
If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a
six-pack of 'em.