New Guidelines for Employees
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1. DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see
you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you
are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
2. SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are
able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
3. SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all
your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact.
To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
4. PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays
and Sundays.
5. VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation
days are as follows: January 1, July 4, and December 25.
6. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for deceased
friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary,
the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow
you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided
your work is done.
7. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice
as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
8. RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will
follow the practice of going once each day, in alphabetical order. For instance,
all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8 to 8:20, employees whose
names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to
go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when
your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time
with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing.
In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the
end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
and the stall door will open.
9. LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can
look healthy. Normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balance meal
to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because
that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
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