2. Front: I'm sorry to hear you have gone blind. Inside: See you later, you fucking bastard!

3. Front: I'm sorry to hear you are brain dead. Inside: It's really not that bad when you think about it.

4. Front: My sympathies on the last of your father's teeth falling out. Inside: Well, dadgummit!

5. Front: My condolences on the loss of your arms. Inside: Write back soon!

6. Front: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease. Inside: I'm sorry to hear you have contracted Alzheimer's disease.

7. Front: I heard that you were very sick. Inside: I hope that you die painlessly.

8. Front: I heard you were dead. Inside: I hope it was painless.

9. Front: I heard your whole family got shot. Inside: So I turned up the volume on the stereo.

10. Front: Congratulations on your first period! Inside: Let's go out and paint the town red!

11. Front: Thank God you aren't pregnant! Inside: I might have had to admit I've had sex with *you*.

12. Front: I heard that you attempted suicide. Inside: Wishing you luck and success in all that you do.

13. Front: After all these years, it was good to run into you again. Inside: Thank God this time you didn't leave as much blood on my bumper!

14. Front: I was sorry to hear that your dog ran away. Inside: Next time try cooking him a little longer.

15. Front: They told me you were constipated. Inside: No shit?

16. Front: Wishing you a speedy recovery from your accident. Inside: Look forward to seeing you in court!

17. Front: Get well soon. Inside: I am sick of walking two miles to get water.

18. Front: Congratulations on finally getting a life. Inside: Now get ready to lose it.

19. Front: Hot damn! Inside: I'm sorry to hear that your house burned down.

20. Front: Congratulations on your weight loss! Inside: It's a shame you had to saw off your legs to do it.

21. Front: When life deals you a hard blow... Inside: So can I, big boy.

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