| Abbreviation | Meaning |
|---|
| 40-ish | 48 |
| Adventurous | Has had more partners than you ever will |
| Affectionate | Possessive |
| Artist | Unreliable |
| Athletic | Flat chested |
| Average looking | Ugly |
| Beautiful | Pathological liar |
| Commitment-minded | Pick out curtains, now! |
| Communication important | Just try to get a word in edge-wise |
| Consistent | Fifteenth ad placed this year. |
| Contagious Smile | Bring your penicillin |
| Educated | College dropout |
| Emotionally Secure | Medicated |
| Employed | Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home |
| Enjoys art and opera | Snob |
| Enjoys Nature | Bring your own granola |
| Exotic Beauty | Would frighten a Martian |
| Feminist | Fat, ball buster |
| Financially Secure | One paycheck from the street |
| Free spirit | Substance user |
| Friendship first | Trying to live down reputation as slut |
| Fun | Annoying |
| Gentle | Comatose |
| Good Listener | Borderline Autistic |
| Homely | Lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere until I was 30 |
| Humorous | Caustic |
| Intuitive | Your opinion doesn't count |
| In Transition | Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills |
| Light drinker | Lush |
| Looks younger | If viewed from far away in bad light |
| Loves Travel | If you're paying |
| Loves Animals | Cat lady |
| Mature | Will not let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, like last boyfriend did |
| New-Age | All body hair, all the time |
| Non-tradional | Ex-husband lives in the basement |
| Old-fashioned | Lights out, missionary position only |
| Open-minded | Desperate |
| Outgoing | Loud |
| Passionate | Loud |
| Petite | Wouldn't stand out in a pack of Munchkins |
| Poet | Depressive Schzophrenic |
| Professional | Bitch |
| Redhead | Shops on the Clairol aisle |
| Reliable | Frumpy |
| Reubenesque | Grossly Fat |
| Romantic | Looks better by candle light |
| Self-employed | Jobless |
| Smart | Insipid |
| Special | Rode the short schoolbus |
| Spiritual | Involved with a cult |
| Stable | Boring |
| Tall, thin | Anorexic |
| Tan | Wrinkled |
| Voluptuous | Very Fat |
| Weight proportional to height | Hugely Fat |
| Wants Soulmate | One step away from stalking |
| Widow | Nagged first husband to death |
| Writer | Pompous |
| Young at heart | Toothless crone |
| Abbreviation | Meaning |
|---|
| 40-ish | 52 and looking for 25-yr-old |
| Affectionate | Needy and looking for mother-figure |
| Artist | Delicate ego badly in need of massage |
| Athletic | Sits on the couch and watches ESPN |
| Average looking | Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back |
| Distinguished-looking | Fat, grey, and bald |
| Educated | Will always treat you like an idiot |
| Employed | On management track at Radio Shack |
| Financially Secure | I will spend some money on you, in return for which I will expect you to obey my every whim for the duration of your mortal life. |
| Free Spirit | Sleeps with your sister |
| Friendship first | As long as friendship involves nudity |
| Fun | Good with a remote and a six pack |
| Good looking | Arrogant bastard |
| Honest | Pathological Liar |
| Huggable | Overweight, more body hair than a Grizzly Bear. |
| Light drinker | Headed for AA |
| Like to cuddle | Insecure, overly dependent |
| Like romantic walks on the beach | I read Cosmo and think this is what you want to hear |
| Mature | Until you get to know him |
| Open-minded | Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested |
| Physically fit | I spend a lot of time in front of mirrors admiring myself |
| Poet | Once wrote on a bathroom stall while constipated |
| Professional | Owns a white button down |
| Reliable | Shows up on time--give or take 3 hours |
| Recently divorced | Looks for second income to pay ex-wife's pension. |
| Romantic | Unable to make a decision; his last five girlfriends dumped him. |
| Self-employed | Same as for women and eat nachos all weekend |
| Sensitive | Needy |
| Smart | Thinks Cheers is "the wittiest show ever on TV" |
| Spiritual | Once went to church with his grandmother on easter |
| Stable | Occasional stalker, but never arrested |
| Thoughtful | Says "Please" when demanding a beer |
| Very masculine | Once ordered a meal without saying please |
| Virile | Can read 3 Penthouse Forums without passing out |
| Young at heart | Pedophile |
| Abbreviation | Meaning |
|---|
| ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION | You'll be making under $7 an hour. |
| ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY | You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year. |
| PROFIT-SHARING PLAN | Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. |
| COMPETITIVE SALARY | We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. |
| JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY | We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers. |
| NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER | Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since. |
| IMMEDIATE OPENING | The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. |
| CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE | We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. |
| COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT | We have a lot of turnover. |
| MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED | You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. |
| SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED | Some time each night and some time each weekend. |
| FLEXIBLE HOURS | Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. |
| MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL | We have no quality control. |
| COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED | Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion. |
| CAREER-MINDED | Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way). |
| APPLY IN PERSON | If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. |
| NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE | We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. |
| PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST | You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. |
| REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS | You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. |
| ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD | You whine, you're fired. |
| SALES EXPERIENCE PREFERRED | You need to be able to B.S. the Pope into buying twin beds. |
| HUGE COMMISSIONS | You'll be selling sand in the desert. |
